Not long ago, I was asked (in one of my seminars) if I intentionally taught my kids about marriage.

The answer is yes… and, no.

Yes, there are times when we’ve talked specifically about marriage (either ours or ones that our kids have observed). But, for the most part, Cathy and I have been wise enough to know that our kids are constantly watching and learning from us. Our actions (both good and bad) are always teaching them about marriage.

I would be thrilled if my kids had a similar type of marriage that Cathy and I share… it’s definitely not perfect, but we’re both very proud of what we’ve developed over 26 years.

Here are 10 things that I know my kids have observed from us over the years:

1. Affection: Cathy & I are very affectionate and I like having my kids see me holding their mom’s hand, hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc… as often as I can.

2. Saying, “I’m sorry”: I want to be quick to use this phrase and I want my kids to hear me say it (and I have to say it a lot more than Cathy).

3. Affirmation: this is my primary love language so it’s easy for me to dish out encouraging words. My kids get a lot of verbal affirmation, but they also hear me directing it toward my wife (which is really easy).

4. Attraction: I think Cathy is hot… and, I make it known around our family. I’ll regularly say, “Isn’t your mom beautiful?”

5. Time: our kids know that we like to spend time together. When they see us steal time away to sit in the backyard and talk, or go in the hot tub, or go on a date night, or sneak away for the weekend…that’s a good message I want them to see.

6. Laughter: we laugh a lot in our house and my wife’s cute sense of humor cracks me up. I like having my kids see that my wife makes me laugh.

7. Respect: opening the door for Cathy, saying “thank you” and “please” and showing her simple signs of respect.

8. Faith conversations: we’re not always praying in front of our kids, but they hear and see our faith conversations and know that we’re always talking about Jesus and what it means to be a follower.

9. The value of friends: our house is well worn from the traffic of friends in/out of our house. We love having people over and the Fields’ house is a regular hangout for some incredible friends.

10. Servanthood: I know my kids have had a better example in Cathy than with me because she’s the ultimate servant. Always asking, “How can I help? What do you need to make life better?” Serving one another is seen in the daily, little things and there’s many opportunities to serve.

Kids are always watching their parent’s marriage and yet too many marriages underestimate the power of modeling! Children are taking daily recordings of what a marriage looks like and those recordings are definitely influencing and shaping their view of marriage.

Recently, I watched an episode and tears began to well up in my eyes.  My heart was breaking a bit.  I saw Cliff and Claire treating each other with respect, communicating, addressing their children with respect, and holding their children accountable in healthy ways.  The thing that struck me most was the overall treatment of each other.  I had forgotten how good the Cosby show was at presenting and handling family issues.  My heart broke because finding that on TV today is difficult and rare.

My heart also broke over the thought of what so many families allow their children to watch on TV that is tragic in its presentation of the family and true respect and love in a marriage.  I guess that is a good reason to continue on without cable.  Why allow ungodly influences inside your home so blatantly.  Children are formed by what they see and hear.  Formed by what they notice their parents allow them to see and hear.

Christians have lost so much in the arena of family and marriage because we accept what we are being fed.  We allow ourselves to be convinced it’s “only media” and not going to affect us.  Well, keep eating.  But, beware because what you eat has to come out somehow and it is not going to be pleasant or good for the future of your family or your children’s families.

Yesterday I was talking to a young dad at church (who used to by in my youth group) and it was fun for me to see how eager he is in wanting to be a good dad.

He asked me, “Besides praying for and with children, what else can I get in the habit of doing for my kids?”

Great question!

There are many things parents can do, but in the interest of a reconnecting hallway conversation, I passed on three intentional actions that I try to with my kids every day. They’re easy to remember, here they are:

1. AFFECTION: Everyone child needs it (actually, everyone needs it) and they want it from their parents. I’m convinced that one of reasons teenagers are so sexually promiscuous (especially girls) is because they lack physical affection for the significant male figure in their life.

My parents were great, but they weren’t overly affectionate. I choose to change the script in how I parent. Now, I pour it on: hugs, kisses, cuddling during TV, holding their hand, etc…

For a short season, during the teenage years, the affection wasn’t always returned but I knew it would when they got older (and I was right).

Every day you can find a way to be affectionate with your child.

2. AFFIRMATION: Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on one good compliment.”Unfortunately, many kids go that long without genuine affirmation.

Parents yield so much shaping power with their words. When mom introduces her little daughter Amy as shy, Amy lives up to mom’s words as she hides behind her legs. Amy has heard that description so long, it has become prophetic. Words have the ability to shape a life.

Children don’t often return the encouragement and many parents tire and weaken of speaking good words to their children because they feel like they’re not getting anything in return. It’s not about the parent…it’s about the child.

Imagine your child like an empty piggy bank and each encouragement, affirmation, positive comment, intentional and personal word of kindness is a deposit of a penny. Each negative comment (i.e. “You’re so selfish, mean, nasty, irresponsible, whatever…”) is like withdrawing a quarter.

How rich is the bank of your child?

Be wise and generous with your words and you won’t regret those life-changing words.

3. ATTENTION: Simply stated, you’re focused and engaged on what’s happening in their life.

Giving attention is more than popping by their bedroom and waving goodnight, it’s tucking them in. It’s more than asking how their day went, it’s asking and really listening to the answer and then asking more questions. It’s more than making sure they get their homework done, it’s helping them so they feel confident and empowered.

Kids need to feel the perception that they matter to their parents. Even if the parent thinks they’re doing a good job at this, it’s the child who is the judge. Perception is real and important for a child.

Give it a try this week. These actions are easier to remember than they are to put into practice, but I know you can do it.

Parenting isn’t easy. Intentional parenting is even more difficult, but the rewards your child will read thru affection, affirmation, and attention are worth the difficulty it takes to make these habitual.

Question: What do you try to do as a parent every day?

10 Ways to Love Your Wife for Life

1. Understand that love is, primarily, a commitment:

   A marriage is decision rooted in a covenant. This means that the future of a marriage is not dependent on feeling, but on our commitment to values.

2. Understand that love is always a choice:

   Because of our commitment, we can choose to love.  Indeed we must!  This is actually a lot easier than waking up in the morning wondering if we’re still “in love.” Love is a choice.

3. When you wake up in the morning, imagine specific things that you can do to serve your wife (then actually do them):

   Having chosen, it’s our privilege to act. Loving actions reinforce the choice to love. Do this routinely, and—believe us—the feelings will be there in spades.

4. Tell your wife, every day, that you love her:

   Things become more true when you speak them; love is no exception. Not only will your wife respond genuinely, in love, but you will also live into the words you express.

5. Tell your wife—every day—that she is beautiful:

   If you believe it, she will believe it. When she believes it…that’s a good thing! Not only is that a good thing, but it will actually become increasingly true.

6. Remember that you are the only one you can change:

   There is a lot of compromise in long-term love, but the only compromise we should ever push is our own. Another way to say this is, “Lead by example.” or, “Be the change you want to see.”

7. Establish a habit of faithfulness:

   This point is not just about the physical relationship. Be faithful in the way you use your time, in the allocation of resources, in the way that you talk. Faithfulness, or fidelity, has many facets, and they all focus the light on the soul of your relationship.

8. Choose—each day—to love your wife out loud:

   Just a few examples: Flowers, chocolates, regular dates, words of affirmation, words of endearment, love notes, cards, attention, weekend getaways, respect, concern, kindness…

9. Always build your wife up:

   At least two things happen when a man affirms and encourages his wife. First, she is lifted up. Second, he feels more positively about the relationship.

10. Put your wife first in everything:

    Here’s what happens when a man puts himself first:

    -Love is sucked out of the relationship

    -Tension is created to always make him “happy”

    -He becomes impossible to satisfy

    -Resentment replaces service

    -Much more negative stuff we don’t have time to list….

    Here’s what happens when a man puts his wife first:

    -The relationship is love-centered

    -She automatically seeks to please him

    -Respect and encouragement dominate the relational landscape

    -The home is pretty-much tension free

    -Stuff way too good to publish in this list….!